When you’re under 18, I consider it easier because my mom or dad could call and schedule things for me. It’s just a fact of the matter that when you are depressed, you really don’t care too much about trying to schedule yourself for an intake or getting into therapy, even when you know you need the help.
Back in September when I was dealing with the stress of just having my ostomy surgery done as well as starting college I began to spiral back, I could list all my symptoms and issues but really it doesn’t change the fact that I found myself being taken to the ER one night by my boyfriend after hurting myself. I had been trying to get into a local area for a while for therapy but it is hard to do so when you cry every time you pick up the phone. After playing phone tag with doctors for a month, you start to feel like it is impossible and that this is a sign that help wouldn’t even make a difference anyway.
Eventually things got a bit better and I wasn’t as depressed so then I didn’t bother calling them at all, but things would spiral, people would tell me to get help, I would call to schedule and intake, they’d say they would call me back, they don’t. It’s always the same struggle.
But low and behold with the help of some doctors I have an intake scheduled for February 22nd, they mailed me the papers.
It is really hard to explain to them on the papers themselves that some of the symptoms they are looking for aren’t caused by the depression but by everything else. “Check the box for fatigue.” Well… you see… when you have multiple other illnesses it’s really hard to differentiate between fatigue that might be brought on by depression or fatigue caused by my illnesses. “Check the box for lack of appetite.” Well… you see… when your stomach doesn’t empty things the way it should and you find yourself puking up meals, it’s easy to lose your appetite.
It’s the boxes that say, “Check any health problems you have.” that make me sigh because they will almost all end up having to be hand written under “Other”.
On one hand I feel better about knowing I’m going to go to therapy and maybe it will help, on the other hand, there is always this fear that no matter what I do I will always be stuck in this cycle and stuck with the fear and all the other things that make it hard for me to feel like I fit in.